my own pride & prejudice

it has come to my attention that i am a snob of sorts.....a pride and prejudice snob.....

i was introduced to the story several years ago by my co-worker. bbc's version staring colin firth (the best darcy EVER) had just come out and my co-worker loaned it to me. now this was a six hour mini-series, but it was excellent and so well done that six hours was the exact amount of time you needed to see this wonderful story come to life.

i loved the mini-series so much, that i had to read the book. which i found that the bbc version adapted quite faithfully (which i really wasn't surprised to find out). i enjoyed the book but continued to watch colin firth's career and was thrilled to read Bridget Jone's Diary which was a modern take on the book with the author writing her Mark Darcy with colin firth in mind. (which is why i loved, loved that he was in the movie - no one else could play him.)

my mother suggested that i watch her favorite version, with greer garson and laurence olivier made in 1940. i hated that movie...they changed the plot and the costumes were the wrong, WRONG period. they had elizabeth deny Mr. Darcy a dance, which infuriated me. a woman of her rank would NEVER deny a man of Mr. Darcy's. i hate, HATE that version, it's wrong, wrong, wrong.

so i kept my snobbish view points....nothing was going to change my mind. when keira knightly's version came out, i was so not interested. first of all, how can you faithfully tell that story in less than 2 hours? and the preview showed some lines that never happened. i didn't trust hollywood. would a version 65 years later be any good? and who was this nobody playing mr. darcy? he was no colin firth!!!

but i was bored one day flipping through the channels and felt like watching a movie i would hate (ever feel like that?) and yes, things were different. but they were little things the heart of the story was much the same. i found this elizabeth more soulfull and you felt her longing for mr. darcy and the music moved me to tears.

so i was wrong...i loved this movie...i loved it despite the changes because truth be found, i love the story of elizabeth bennet and mr. darcy....1940's version wasn't true to elizabeth, who i felt she was and how i felt she would respond.i didn't mind subtle changes as long as the core didn't change. (and apparently the costumes)

during an interview, one of the actors said that women feel some sort of ownership of the story, that in some sense, it's their story and belongs to them. that they feel certain actors are totally wrong...which i find is true. pride and prejudice belongs to me somehow, and you can't fuck with my story. and it's nice to know, that i'm not the only woman who feels this way.

what a bitch!!

and by that, i mean me!!

i was in a bitchy mood today....not grouchy...but things kept happening that kept pissing me off.

i was uninformed that it was "ask questions we should already know the answers to" day with my kids. by the end of the day, i was dying!! interuptions, tattling, galore!!!

and then i went to this class where we had a bunch of parts to the final project. but they kept giving us only ten minutes to start each part, then we were expected to stop and finish that part later and move on. and i hate working that way....if i have five things to do, i want to finish one and then move on....it seemed like an a.d.d. class and it began to drive me crazy.

i probably wouldn't have been so grouchy if i didn't have hours of work for me to do today...a major report is due this week and conferences start next week. so i'm swamped...the last thing i want to worry about is this class. so i think that had a lot to do with it.

i can't wait for the thanksgiving holiday.....i so need a vacation...maybe i'll get myself a massage.....or use my gift certificate for a pedicure....only i hate people touching my feet, so maybe that won't be very relaxing....it really tickles me...

ah well....such is life. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

insert title here....

every time i think i'm going to write about something, it ends up not being sexual...and so i think, well maybe i shouldn't post it...then i have to explain where i've been what i've been doing and i don't really want to.

storm and i are still together. but work has been really busy and he's still recovering....

i've been really sick this last week...and i've been having a sex and the city marathon....especially since i cut my cable to save money....so no tv...but i've got netflix!!

i don't know if anyone is gonna be reading this, but that's okay. i just need an outlet....i've been feeling alone and no one to talk to...and i really like the idea of posting my thoughts anonymously...whether it be about kink or not...

it's just me....

and we have a title!!!

well, things are progressing as far as setting up a meeting with one of the guys...he actually seems cool, and not scary at all...which is a good thing!!!

so far in my jenny craig diet, i've lost almost 10 pounds!! which is great, but i still wish it was more...but in a month, that's pretty darn good.

and i've upped my belly dancing too. i'm taking a more advanced class...which is alot harder, but i think i'm improving...

and i'm set to debut my belly dancing at a belly dance festival in september...yikes!!

i'm really nervous about it, but my footwork's improved so now it's about incorporating all the other movements....like hip work.

all my life i've tried not to jiggle when i move...my mother's voice would come into my head "you jiggle too much when you walk"

and so now i don't, which sucks because for the first time in my life...i need to let go and just jiggle.

so now for the million dollar question: how does one get one's mother's voice out of one's head????

belly dancing is harder than i thought it would be....i'm loving it, but it's hard.

day two with no title...okay then.

the title of my post would have been "not such a heartless bitch".

as i have mentioned before, i have a "sister-slave". i put in in quotes because she and i really have little to no interactions with each other...in truth, we don't seem to get along well. storm says we may never get along....and i'm okay with that.

it's not really anything against her...we just seem to clash. we're two women who are very important to storm and i think our egos tend to get in the way.

but here's why i'm not jealous of her, despite what others might think: storm finds so much joy in being her Master and she in being his slave. they are kinky...her blog was one of those hard core blogs i would read with my hand over my mouth in amazement of the kink levels...

i decided not to read her blog after realizing that their lifestyle is completely different than mine with storm. they do things together that i really have no interest in doing. and i realized that it didn't take anything away from me. storm loves me for me, and i love him for him. and i felt they needed their own space...they needed a place to be themselves on that level...

whenever i tried to push past my kink level, it wouldn't work. it didn't come natural to me.i would be damn near faking my interest and storm would just hold back.

and then he found a woman he didn't have to hold back on...he found a woman who could take him...in all his glory. and i envied that. i almost wished i could be that woman....BUT it's not me.

and that thought was a painful one...it's taken me a while to become okay with that....but storm helped with that....he opened up and told me a little story...and at the same time i was listening to his story, two things occured to me: 1) i could NEVER do that and 2) he had so much joy in telling me.

his joy came from two places, he really enjoyed her and he really enjoyed him being able to be open with me....and so all i could reply was "i'm so glad you found a woman you can do that with!!!"

i always thought i could never deny storm anything, and i'm glad to find out that i was right...i want him to be happy, i want him to be fullfilled....

it just so happens it takes two of us, that's all.

the reason this came about was that, the two of them have ended things...however, i don't think it's over. i can't imagine her able to walk away from him....not just because she likes the lifestyle, but because once storm fullfills your fantasy, you can't go back to the real world and not feel like a piece of your soul is missing.

i don't know if she's reading this....but i'm sorry for her pain. i truly feel for her.

being with storm takes a bit of sacrifice...you never quite fit in the normal world afterwards...but who wants to be normal anyways?

for some reason, i can't type a title....hmmmm...whatever!!

so things are slowing down again and i should be able to blog...there's a lot going on right now, but i'm not sure with how much i want to talk about.

some of it doesn't involve me (not that i want to badmouth anyone - i know, shocker!!!) but i'll have to ask storm if i can mention things.

as some of you may remember, i have gone out in the past & videotaped myself with other guys to show storm. it's made for some pretty hot moments, let me tell you....

it's not so much that storm can't satisfy me, but i really, really enjoy performing for him...and if the sex is good then it's a bonus!!

i made a posting on-line and have gotten over 100 responses....but some of them are so stupid...i'm posting under casual encounters & i get responses saying "i want to find a girl who loves me for who i am..." i want to say "well, i can give you a few hints why you've been unlucky thus far!!"

i get responses for sexual things that were not in my post at ALL. for example: did you know that i sound like the perfect canidate for fisting???? didn't realize i was putting that out...i'll have to be more careful.

one guy wanted me to bathe him and worship his body....then once i bring him "pleasure", we lie in my bed and cuddle....

**gag, choke**

some guys just respond like: "lets hit it. where you at?"

some are REALLY sly: "i'm only available during the day and i can't host." hmmmm, let me guess why that is.

i'm not using any of my real information...and i plan on meeting them in a public location first...like a starbucks/cafe. i am spelling out exactly what i want and my boundaries....and i have them e-mail me for a bit before i meet them, just to make sure they are on the up and up.

and i must say, it takes longer this way, but it's much more successful than trying to find a guy in a bar!!!

i will most likely be posting my results...cause the funny responses are so worth sharing!!!

i decorated my wrist with poop!!

yeah, the bottle said "henna paste", but i have some serious doubts.

by the time i finally got the paste to come out of the tube, the end exploded and left a blob of "poop" that was supposed to be a pretty design.

lucky for me, i washed it off before it could stain...after all....i don't want to be left looking like i don't wash my wrists....

that's just yucky!!!

i didn't forget!!!

happy birthday to the most amazing man i have ever met!!!!


happy birthday storm!!!!

i finally got some!!!

and it was good!!!

but here's something for the weekend:

a break from vacation....

i've had one week of summer vacation. tomorrow starts a two-week class about becoming a better teacher...

except for the fact i have to get up even earlier for it than i did during the school year, this should be a cool class.

i don't know, do you ever feel that you are miles away from where you would like to be? everything is fine with storm and i, but the lack of sex is starting to distract me...

i feel unfullfilled in almost every aspect of my day....i've been productive all week, getting things done, starting the diet....but none of it's satisfying...

i guess i'm just a spoiled brat who's use to having sex regularly...one of my friends admitted she hadn't had sex in two years and i thought "what is that? the plot to a horror movie?"

i think it's worse because storm is still in my life....i think that came out wrong...but as long as his presence is felt by me, there's the promise of good sex...."if he feels better tomorrow, then we can meet up...." "maybe later when he meet, he'll be feeling better...."

so my day has a little disappointment to it each day.....and i don't blame storm, it's not his fault....but even the thought of going out in search of a new fuck toy to distract me doesn't do anything to me...i ache for storm. his parts ache to be claimed by him.....

even my good old vibrator leaves me wanting more....

god, who knew i could become this bitchy from lack of sex....

whine, whine, whine....i should stop...but i feel it soaks into every bit of my life...

man, when storm is up to it....i'm gonna jump that fine ass of his!!!!

made me cry.....

if you need a moment today of inspiration today.....

this really moved me:

a question of respect....

if you are looking for some sexy posts....both you and i are gonna have to wait. my libido is coming back but storm is still recovering....and i miss him. and i miss my sex life....

anywho, i noticed something on some other sites that bothers me....i see this mostly on hard-core master/slave sites...when another man comes on and starts bad-mouthing the slave's master & makes the comment "if you were my slave...." OR "if you belonged to me...."

now this has never happened to me (mostly because my blog has never been a hard-core blog) but it really bothers me to see these men pushing themselves on a site like that.

i think the men who do this type of thing do this for three reasons: 1) they don't have a slave and 2) they are hoping to present their level of understanding the slave so when things go bad with her master, she can say to herself "well, that other blogger really understands me...maybe he'll be a better master." and finally, 3) they want that woman for themselves

and here's what really gets me....the sites i have seen this on, the slave is so devoted to her master that she's not going anywhere....but that's what the "slave stealer" wants....the devotion...and it's not going to happen....yeah, this slave shows wonderful devotion....so what makes you think she's gonna up and leaver her master for you?

now for the record, there is a HUGE difference between the man who says "this is what my slave and i did" and "if you were my slave i'd...."

i guess what it boils down to is respect....respect for the master. i feel it's showing disrespect to come on another woman's site (m/s, bdsm, or vanilla) and start to put down her current relationship and talk as if you were as important to her.

does it bother me to see other men (or women for that matter) mentioning fucking the other person.....if it's in response to a sexy, risque post and the comment is to flirt or flatter, no....i don't think it's disrespectful...as long as it is welcomed on the site.

do i think it's bad when another man asks to see pictures of tits, ass, and sex play? do you not know who i'm with???

observations....

***my cat ripped off the tushy end of her fake mouse....the tail is still there, but it's now bald at the end...it reminds me of that movie "the great outdoors" when they shoot the bear in the ass with the lamp shotgun....i found it very hilarious.

***i have to leave my turtle tank open when the heat lamp is on....and the cat's favorite game is to smack the turtle off the rock....she's (the cat) is in time out right now...i'm sure she doesn't care about the turtle, because once i let her out of the room, she's just going to knock the turtle back into the water...

***i have to eat yogurt about twice a day for this diet....i don't think i like yogurt...i keep telling myself "it's about losing weight & trying new healthy food"...if you put some junk in front of me that i've never tried, i'll eat it and wonder where it's been all my life....why can't i feel that way about brocoli?

***it's very hot & my apartment is not air conditioned...i find i can keep things cool by not turning on the tv (it puts out a lot of heat) & keeping all the lights off....but it's so dark all i want to do is sleep. but it's cool in here.

***i am missing storm very much...my sex drive is coming back but he's not feeling very good. it's starting to annoy me.

***all these friends want me to go out to eat/drink with them now that i'm not working. i want to be good on my new diet & i know that going out is a bad idea...plus, i'm really cool with the idea of waiting...which i think is really the main reason i don't want to go out...i just don't want to go.

***my belly dance class is going to be really hot & she makes you sweat. that's all, i just hate sweating...i really hate it.

***above my front door i put the sign "beyond this place there be dragons" just to make a statement....i love it...and i am starting to believe it.

okay, that's enough...this has been a small tour of wind walker's brain....hope you enjoyed it.

the big task....

so i have a meeting today with jenny craig....i am getting so sick of this weight, but apparently not sick enough to stop my bad eating habits, so i thought a strict diet will do the trick. at least to get a jump start on things...

i go to a belly-dance class twice a week. and it's hard and painful (she's teaching us how to do the splits) but i feel great afterwards....

i've spent my whole life trying not to jiggle when i move, i had a hard time letting go of that....but i have curves which look good when i do the moves correctly....and i love moving like that. my body feels sexy and my muscles are sore afterwards but there's something erotic about moving so exotically.

it's funny, the only thing i felt insecure about when i started was the fact that everyone was so dressed up....but fear not, oh i caught up!! i have several outfits, coin belts, fringe belts...etc.

here's a picture of my coin bra.....it's heavy as all hell, but it's really cool!! enjoy!!!

gratitude tuesday - w

i've decided to participate in gratitude tuesday and since ceeci is on "w", i thought i would start on the same letter.

warrior - that's what i call my storm. no matter the situation, i can always depend on him to act like my strong warrior.

woman - that's what he calls me. i look to the strength on my womanhood to guide me....i believe in the power of women and their strength. it kills me that women in other cultures have been looked down upon...

work - i love my work.i love teaching...it is so hard, but so worth it. it's the greatest thing i've ever done in my "working life".

wind - i love the wind....i love feeling on my face. i feel the earth's power in the wind, i feel calm and at peace in the wind.

wolves - i feel that wolves are my spirit animal...i have a tattoo of a wolf on my shoulder.

water - i live by the water and i love to watch the waves coming in. storm and i drink coffee out on this pier and just watch the water. it's amazing.

wagging tails - i love when you walk in the door and a dog comes running up and their tail is wagging away....

whales - i went whale watching once. it was really cool to watch the sprays and to see a tail come up in the water.

wicked - this play was awesome and i think everyone should see it.

wicca - i love learning about wicca. it's an old belief and i relate to it. i still have to practice what i've learned, but i look forward to putting it into practice.

wine - i love meeting friends over dinner and a glass of wine...or two...

warmth - my favorite place is snuggled in a warm blanket in a cold room. i love it!!

winter - is my favorite season. i like being warm in a cool enviornment. you can always add on layers but when it's hot, you are screwed.

wigs - i take every opportunity to wear wigs when i can. you can change your look for one day or for a few hours.

werewolves - this one boy always pretended he was a werewolf....so i could get him to do his work by saying "a werewolf would count for me" so i'm very grateful to werewolves.

whips - enough said....i'm grateful to my whip.

willow tree - very pretty, and sacred

woodchucks - how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

wizard of oz - when i was little, i used to perform "somewhere over the rainbow" to anyone who would listen....doctor's offices, where ever...in fact, there's a tape i made when i was five singing it....i didn't know all the words, but it's pretty funny.

where the heart is - i love that movie....i love movies where people pull themselves out of a bad place and into a better life...

wind walker - i'm glad to be back and have been feeling more like myself when i write as wind walker. i've written under different names, but have never been as satisfied or as proud to be wind walker...

*******

so there's my list. i hope you enjoy.

personal updates...

i haven't really updated anyone on my personal life....so i thought i would take a moment....

my brother is having a baby....so i'm gonna be an aunt. i can't wait for that, but it was a little annoying hearing my mother say "thank god it's not you!! after all, he's more settled..."

meaning he has a significant other she approves of (sorry storm)....i have a career and my brother has a job...and that's about it...we both have our own places, cats (i have a turtle and a cat), a car, a cell phone, cable in our own names, blah, blah, blah...

my brother wasn't planning on having any children...he's bipolar & i think that's one of the reasons....plus, he always said he didn't like kids....but once he met up with the love of his life (i say that sincerely), everything changed...i think he proves that you can change men, but only if you are the right woman.

i think they are in for a rude awakening...his fiance said she had to postpone her trip to india until next year...and she can't wait to have the baby so she can have a drink...she has yet to give up smoking all together...a doctor told her to cut back and she has, but it's the quitting part that hasn't happened yet...

they have a massive house, but all the rooms are rented out...and i keep thinking, doesn't the baby get his/her own room??? granted, i don't have experience, but i think babies take up space...and money, and time...

ah well, they are happy and i'm happy for them...i hope she's going to be a good mother to my neice/nephew, so far i'm more impressed with my brother...although, his work is pretty much already done as far as growing the baby.

and since i've yet to be pregnant, maybe i should stop judging. but i am a teacher, which i think gives me a red carpet for judging parenting skills, but they are family....which should give me even more right to judge...

overall, i'm gonna be an auntie....and as much as i want to be one of those cool aunts my neice/nephew can come to for everything, i'm still a teacher and so i think the kid is screwed in some aspects...

if it's a girl, i already have my "should you have sex" speech already prepared: you should wait, it's not going to be any good for awhile anyways...(think about it, teen sex....would you go back??) wait until the guy knows what he's doing...

if it's a boy: wrap it, wrap it, wrap it....i can't stop you....

the fog has lifted, for now...

aaaaahhhh, i'm normal again....for the next three weeks anyways...

i got to spend a long time talking with storm....where i opened up about my fears....my biggest fear is now that he has a woman who is so hard core with him (and a better match for his kink level), why on earth would he want to continue with my low-level kink?

and his answer? because it's him and i....he says he connects with me....and to prove it, he paddled me a little...

since it's been almost a year and i didn't know if i would still like it, he was gentle.....it was just enough to sting...

and i remembered the sting. it's going to take a little bit before i can go back to the stings i was able to take before, but i remembered....in fact, when he was lightly paddling me, i was remembering the wooden spoon i grew so fond of....the way i used to look at kitchen supplies...the fun we had trying new things, and the pleasure i used to take from looking in the mirror at my bruised tushy...

it made me feel closer to him again, and we both needed that.

if you let your life get busy and don't make things a priority, they fall to the wasteside....it's so easy to push things off...

although, in all fairness, my fractured rib was a legitimate reason to not spank (thank you bronchitus)....but i let life get in the way...

and my sex drive was paying the price...since that little spank....my sex drive seems to be returning...and i want to break out that spoon again.

ah, red stingy tushy, how i missed you!!!

today was hard....

work has taken a big piece of my life right now...and i'm actually grateful for the distraction....

i am having a hard time today....

since my last blog, i found out that i have pmdd....which is a really bad form of pms....which i used to get spanked, but i haven't been spanked in almost a year...but the pmdd is a battle....one that can leave me sucidal or in a rage....

so i'm depressed today and i'm feeling like there's no hope. i don't know if it's from certain circumstances or just my pmdd. it feels real and my mind says that this is really bad....normally, my mind tells me i'm being crazy but my heart rages....

i feel like i'm losing storm rider. i allowed something to happen, but it's going out of control.

as you know i'm poly....there is a new "sister-slave"....i thought she would be good for him...and she is...she's willing to do things that i'm not....and i don't want to deny him anything....and if i don't want to do it and he still loves me, then why shouldn't he? i'm not jealous....

but things are happening that i'm not apart of....and i really should talk to storm first, but with his surgery....it's hard for me to get a hold of him....so it eats me alive....and i just suffer....

what do you do when you see things happening, but you can't even express them, much less do something about them? when up is down and down is up and even though it seems based on actions, it may be a symptom of a disorder.

i don't really want to kill myself....but when things go bad, i feel like i do....my brain tells me "never!!" but my heart just wants the pain to stop....

and there's no storm to talk to....

so i throw myself into my work...because that's the only way the pain goes away...when i'm teaching, all my baggage goes away....the mood swings are gone, the pain is gone...i'm totally devoted to the kids....

i feel like i'm giving storm a wonderful gift...but the cost is part of my soul....

keeping a straight face.....

i love being a teacher, i really do.....but there are times when it's really hard to check my adult self at the door...

i love music....i love all sorts of music, especially soundtracks...my favorite is strings...and i play classical music in the class to help maintain a very calm vibe....

i really don't think about all the years of practice it took for those players to sound so beautiful...

until i had to sit there and listen to a bunch of 4th and 5th graders butcher the "jurassic park" theme...i'm really glad they told us what it was...otherwise, i'd be thinking "it kinda sounds like this...."

and i mean those kids worked so hard....but the squeaks...and noises that came out...some of them were great...and some of them...well, have you heard an out of tune saxophone keeping playing? that boy wasn't stopping for anything....

bless their hearts...and some of them having only been doing this for only nine months....but i was really unprepared for such an event.....

oh god!!

pirates.....

without giving anything away, i have to admit i'm slightly disappointed in pirates of the carribean!!!

not because it was a bad movie, it was great. the actors were fabulous...orlando bloom, oh so hot....

some critics have said it was confusing...i had no problem following the story...

and i was into the story....even for a two hour and forty-five minute movie, i was soaking it up like a sponge.

but the end of the movie.....ARGH!!!!!!

there will be no spoilers on this site......but if you watched the movie, tell me what you thought....

a contented sigh....

isn't it funny....but when i checked my comments i noticed the misspelled swearing comment on my blog and realized...

that's one of the things i missed the most....storm's comments.

how i've missed that....

i hope everyone has a good weekend!!!

permission

so i just got off the phone with a friend of mine who randomly called me.

and everytime i fall for it...

when will i learn that the only time she contacts me is when she wants tips on how she should be cheating on her husband.

today's topic: how to get around wearing the condom.

my response: when in doubt, wear one.

i guess he told her that he is clean because he gets checked once a month....now, i ask you, who gets std & aids checked once a month if they weren't worried about it? or their lifesyle warrants that (i'm thinking porn stars & hookers)....so i suggested: wear it.

now i'm not the most innocent gal, and i have been with a few married men in my time, but i'm actually against cheating....people who cheat are not in happy marriages and there is really no excuse not to leave your spouse if you are that unhappy.

happy people don't cheat. and of course, i'm leaving poly couple out of that statement because that is something entirely different.

so my friend wants me to support her "new" lifestyle which includes cheating....but as a true friend, i want her to be happy....and if she's not happy with her husband, then i think she needs to leave....

she does have a baby and security living in a really nice house, but what happens if she gets caught? she's already risking that....

maybe she wants that, i dunno.

i just have no idea why i'm the "go to girl" for that......maybe it's becuase i don't want to get married that she thinks i think life is a free for all....and it is, under the right conditions.

an update...

okay, template is in order....working on connecting with the friends....so here's the update.

this is my blog, storm and i are still together (and he's still storm) however, he had major surgery and is recovering slowly....so while we are still strong, certain lifestyle elements had to take a back seat.

i have a new career, a new apartment, a new kitty, and a new interest: belly dancing.

i do miss the days where i felt like i knew what i was doing and everything's not so new, but ah well....

i miss storm terribly and as soon as he's feeling better, i'm sure you'll see him around.

a return to a happier place

this is my first post here.....i'm not sure what to say....i'm going to play with my design more. i doubt i'll have any readers until i connect with old friends..

i was posting on livejournal, but found myself in a rut. this is my place to just be me....no themes, just good ol' wind walker