work has taken a big piece of my life right now...and i'm actually grateful for the distraction....
i am having a hard time today....
since my last blog, i found out that i have pmdd....which is a really bad form of pms....which i used to get spanked, but i haven't been spanked in almost a year...but the pmdd is a battle....one that can leave me sucidal or in a rage....
so i'm depressed today and i'm feeling like there's no hope. i don't know if it's from certain circumstances or just my pmdd. it feels real and my mind says that this is really bad....normally, my mind tells me i'm being crazy but my heart rages....
i feel like i'm losing storm rider. i allowed something to happen, but it's going out of control.
as you know i'm poly....there is a new "sister-slave"....i thought she would be good for him...and she is...she's willing to do things that i'm not....and i don't want to deny him anything....and if i don't want to do it and he still loves me, then why shouldn't he? i'm not jealous....
but things are happening that i'm not apart of....and i really should talk to storm first, but with his surgery....it's hard for me to get a hold of him....so it eats me alive....and i just suffer....
what do you do when you see things happening, but you can't even express them, much less do something about them? when up is down and down is up and even though it seems based on actions, it may be a symptom of a disorder.
i don't really want to kill myself....but when things go bad, i feel like i do....my brain tells me "never!!" but my heart just wants the pain to stop....
and there's no storm to talk to....
so i throw myself into my work...because that's the only way the pain goes away...when i'm teaching, all my baggage goes away....the mood swings are gone, the pain is gone...i'm totally devoted to the kids....
i feel like i'm giving storm a wonderful gift...but the cost is part of my soul....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Well, I can understand how you feel sweetie and I dont think the pmdd is to blame entirely. You are in love with a man that you can't talk to when you NEED to. That's difficult for ANY woman to deal with. It's no wonder you feel abandoned or left out sometimes. It's no fun thinking he is off with someone while you crave attention. You are stronger than I. It would be too hard for me to deal with. I hope things get better when he recovers dear. *hug*
you are so right....storm surprised me by calling...so once i got to talk to him, i found out that it wasn't what i thought & that i wasn't losing him....
btw mina, i can't find your blog...i've tried searching for it....can i have your link??? thanks!!!
I'm glad that you got everything worked out, wind. You sound so down in your post. BIG HUGS to you!
I understand about pmdd. It's extremely hard to live with.
BIG HUGS
padme amidala
Good thing you talked to him. Part of your soul sounds like way to high a price to me.
*hug*
Post a Comment